Warning: This entry is exclusively about My Life, something that happened to me and that I think I
should share; maybe your perspective will help me to understand things better,
writing I vent and feel much better telling you a key moment of my story that I marked and that has left
scars.
I’ve
had some dreams about you in the past days, in which I ran desperate and I woke
up agitated and scared. And in the middle of the night, I started crying
because I remembered you, I cried uncontrollably for hours and even I’ve even
keep crying for remembering our days together, I’m upset because you don’t deserve
anything from me, not even tears, but sadness shows up from nowhere and takes
over me. When I’ve been alone in the
street, I’ve seen you in many people and I’ve had to change my way, because
impression and anger destroy me when I think that’s you.
And
writing you this, I feel pressure on my chest and my heart races. Although I
tried with fear to tell you many times how I felt when we were together, I want
you to know that you’re despicable human being and I hate you, I hate my
memories with you and all the things you were in my life. I hate that you still
tease me in my dreams and show up in the strangers in the street, making me
feel vulnerable and remembering how you dyed my arms, my mouth, my eyes, my
legs and my head with different colors. Then you looked for me regretted
because you knew that I´m a good person cause I’m worthwhile person and you’ll
never find in your life someone like me.
I
was scared many times, but everytime these anguish moments come, I remember the
day I stopped breathing for a few seconds, where I tried to ask for help and my
voice didn’t come out, when I tried to move and I was shocked and I couldn’t
move my body, where I saw white flashes for a few seconds. That day where you
could have killed me.
My
head plays tricks on me, some days I say to myself that: you aren’t enough and
you won’t find somebody to love and nobody is going to stand you, you’re a
freak, you’re fat, you’re not smart. I remember those words aren’t mine, I hear
your voice like a whispering and it disappears.
Sometimes
I wondered if you realized that my heart wasn’t yours, it was far away from
you, although in the same city, maybe that was the reason why you hated him. Maybe
you felt it or maybe I made a mistake making you clear who I really loved. You
told me: that feeling will disappear by time, it’ll go away, he doesn’t deserve
anything from you, he’s with somebody else. However what I felt never disappeared,
it was always in the middle of us, it always remembered me where I wanted to be
in the first place.
I
only wasn’t scared for my life once, I was scared two times in June, because
the death with you was a constant, because something beautiful couldn’t come
from your hands, there would never be happiness, only pain and abuse.
I
want you to know that you ripped my heart out, burned it in your hands, fucking
bastard, I don’t feel anything anymore, now I’m a rational human being, without
feelings. Now I’m stronger, I accept it, and even tho price costed me many
bloody tears, you won’t never see again the person that day showed you her sad
heart.
I have created my PayPal account in case you want to support my dreams in any way :), this is the link: paypal.me/pedacitosdemi
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