Dedicated to her

 Hello, 

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I have to be completely honest, I've been wanting to write about this topic for the past week and I haven't even known where to start, I don't know how to do it, I guess it's something that has affected me so deeply that I want to use the right words just in case someone is going through the same thing and I would not like to give them the wrong message, I think the best thing to do is to tell them a little about my story and connect it with the documentary that I saw recently and with which I felt validated.

A few days ago I saw the documentary called My mind and me, in which you can see the daily battle of a world-class artist (Selena Gómez) with anxiety, depression, bipolarity and Lupus. I highly recommend it, it premiered in November of last year, I remember that one day I was looking at Instagram and an edit of her documentary came out in which she talked about anxiety and I felt that something clicked on me, I felt like someone understood perfectly what sometimes happened to me and that each word perfectly adjusted to a part of who I was and that many times I couldn't express, so I decided to see it complete. I have chosen some of the phrases that touched me the most and what they reminded me of or made me feel:

• “My thoughts often take over my mind. It hurts to think about my past, I want to breathe again. I love myself? How do I learn to breathe my own breath?"

There came a point where I remember waking up thinking that at any moment something would happen to me or that something would happen to the people I love. I felt as if my ideas were bees and I was the hive, I felt that endless buzzing, I had no peace. I didn't understand at what point I had stopped being me... however somehow I was still there, I just didn't remember how to silence all the noise that surrounded me.

• "Sometimes I also fight against my emotions and thoughts, that doesn't mean I have a problem, that doesn't make me weak, it doesn't make me inferior, it makes me human"

With time, medication and therapy, I understood that I felt and thought differently from others and that in some seasons I am in a constant struggle with my head and my heart, I know that it's temporary, and it's something that I must always remember. The positive side is that during this time I've learned to know all my colors and shades, I have been able to forgive myself, have compassion for myself, speak to myself with respect and love. They don't know how strong you can become when your head sometimes acts as your enemy.

• “There's a girl wracked with anxiety, who can't move when she looks in the mirror. She smiles when everyone is looking at her but cries when she's alone. She hides because she is terrified of showing herself as she is. My world is so empty, so big and cold"

Now it seems like a memory that I see through a misted glass, but I was in the middle of a room sitting on a chair with my legs drawn up, crying, everything was black, confused and I wouldn't stop crying. Maybe two hours went by and I still hadn't come back, the fall of a glass made me open my eyes, but I wasn't sure what to do. Someone wrote to me on the phone: you have to go to the emergency room! I started to get dressed but I felt like I was in slow motion, I stood in front of the mirror, but I didn't recognize myself, it's as if I were someone else, inside a body that I couldn't remember. I couldn't find the meaning of being or being, I was hollow, I didn't feel, there was no longer a heart, only ashes.

• "I'm ready to say I'm sad"

-"How long have you felt like this?" asks the doctor.

-I don't know, maybe 8 or 9 years ago, but the anxiety comes from further back, I've been going to psychologists and doctors for my anxiety but they say that it's not something I should worry about, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just know that I feel sad and that my head is in a knot-And I start to cry once more.

-Your family is with you, do they know everything that is happening?-the doctor asks me, while he holds my gaze.

-My parents live in another city, my mom knows about my anxiety, but I haven't told them anything else because I don't want to worry them and because the doctors never give me a reason for what I have-I wipe my tears with the sleeves of my diver.

-What you have is called depression and anxiety, it's very important that you tell your parents and trusted friends what is happening, they will be your support network. You have to go to the psychiatrist and the psychologist, I'm going to give you the medical orders. For now I'm going to prescribe X. You have a disease, you're going to require medicine, guidance and support from the people who love you, but you can feel better over time- He tells me all this while sometimes looking into my eyes with concern and others is writing on his computer. 

After two/three weeks of going to the emergency room and hoping to be a little more stable in my state of mind, I felt ready and brave to tell my parents everything that had happened and many of the things I had been dealing with. Since that day they have been very attentive and helping me throughout the process. I told my friends time after I started the medication and my appointments with the doctors. I have been extremely fortunate to have a support network and I can definitely say that things have changed since I asked for help.

• "I'm happy, I'm at peace, I'll still be angry, I'll be sad, I'm sure, I'm full of doubts, I'm a work in progress, I'm enough"

Little by little I have been getting out of the jail that my mind built and in which I lived during all these years, it has not been easy at all nor has it been a linear process and although on social networks they sell the idea of​​healing with images on the beach, drinking coffee and being in the gym, it is not that romantic, but it's satisfying when there are days or weeks in which you feel much better.

The days of sh*t, sadness and anger are still there, sometimes I hear my anxiety approaching, it tells me that I am not that good or that I am going to fail, that I am a failure and that I am not at the point where I should be , my depression tells me not to get out of bed, to sleep all day, that it's not necessary to eat, that things are not going to change, that they are not worth it and that I will always feel like this, at that moment I remember looking around me and I realize that I'm not alone, there are many people who are accompanying me, who love me and value me for who I am, then I look for a reflection and I see her, that woman who doesn't want to give up, to whom I respect, the one that is worth all the effort, which is enough, to the person I love the most, to me and I say to myself "we can handle this, remember that it's one day at a time" and I start my journey.

I send you a hug from this tropical paradise called Colombia. You are not alone, you have yourselves and if you need it, ask for help.