Catharsis

Hello,

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I had been writing the post about "do androids dream of mechanical sheep" and all my work was lost, the post was not saved. So I'll have to write it one more time...

For now, I tell you that this week I was getting a bed and some things to be able to go to an apartment with my cousin (this will be a social and family experiment), yesterday I moved things, I tell you that I literally arrived in this city to start from scratch. I arrived with a suitcase, my TV and $250. I was cleaning my room and the apartment to be able to put things together today. Honestly I'm tired because I've also been doing various pods, the kind of pods that keep me sane, my Ikigai, I've also been looking for a job (updating my resume etc etc).

As for the heart, well, what can I tell you? The problem with being completely honest on this blog is that someone I care about a lot can read what I feel and at this point I don't know if that makes much sense (especially since he is the person I plan to write about). But well, whoever is afraid of dying is not born, lately several people have been falling for me and none interest me, I lie, there is only one person who interests me and who I have loved for MANY years and with whom I would try something, the truth is that sometimes I don't understand that person, I lie once more, I pretend I don't understand what he constantly tells me, what he shows me. And there are days that make me angry, because I know what I am, what I have and what I can offer, but none of that matters to that person and it is frustrating.

Anyways, it's incredible how my recent ex doesn't give me the same (that is, I cared but it doesn't hurt, as I said before, he doesn't deserve anything from me), on the other hand, a person with whom I spent so little "time" ago and after so many years, he is still so important to me, I have come to believe that I have a f*cking problem, something is wrong with me, this feeling I have has no explanation, I can't find a logical and coherent way to explain the immense affection I feel for him. And it's that, it's something that lasts, it doesn't dilute, it's something beautiful, there is nothing toxic about it, it's a person that I genuinely care about and I love him for who he is (it has always been like this), something like loving his soul. We understand each other in so many ways, we can talk for hours, about everything and nothing. The point has been reached where we can talk confidently and naturally about certain things that go through our heads, we are each other's support in situations of stress or sadness. Over the years it has become something that gives peace and tranquility.

Sounds perfect? No, it is not. The detail of all this is that he doesn't see it. The detail of all this is that it seems that it's not enough and the life of each one is taking many turns. I don't like to lose, especially if I feel that I could win more than I could calculate, but lately a reality check has been with me, being more precise since I began my fight to get out of the abyss in which I was, reality has become more of a friend and has taught me that there are things that must be accepted as they come. And I think this is one of those. A few months ago I was in a relationship that I blindly wanted to believe in, even when I knew it was hurting me, even when the pain was taking me to my limit and I'm not willing to return to that place. I will never try to prove to someone how much I am worth, what a great person I am and my big heart that can be completely loyal and absolutely pure love. You see it or you don't. Spot.

In the story that I have in my head, most of the time I have been the one who has been alone, the one who has thought that we could have something very nice or the one who would risk it regardless of the problems or the distance. I always keep what I promise, today I will make you a promise after so many years, I promise to see you the same way you see me, whatever the cost. And now, I think there is no more to analyze or there is not much more to say, this is the life lesson that I have given the longest.