Hello hello,
I hadn't been able to write these days because I've been SO busy that I barely leave work and I'm already busy with other things that I have to study, and also my best friend was at my house for quite a few days, because I had a bit of a bad mood.
It all started because I had the wonderful idea of looking at my ex's IG profile (first mistake in a series of mistakes) and I was like: we could be friends, why not? When you come up with those wonderful ideas, tell yourself that it is better to stay away from those who have ever hurt you, because nothing good can come from people who deliberately used words or used force to make you feel bad. Well, the little man had some stories (a photo with some friends we had in common, drinking beers, what a "surprise"), after a while he deleted those stories, he posted one of a memory of the time we went to La Guajira and a photo of a woman hugging a cat (a not very aesthetic photo, considering that the little man did not like to upload any type of photo).
After seeing that photo, that made me very angry, because I began to ask myself many questions, I told myself: how is it possible that someone who does so much harm can continue his life as if nothing had happened? How can it be that he can already start a relationship, when I don't want to know anyone because I feel like they are going to hurt me in the same way? How can someone with so many emotional issues risk hurting someone else?
Many questions like that and then more uncomfortable ones arose: Will someone really love me? Could it be that at the age of X that I am, will I be able to find someone who really loves me? Why didn't I take advantage of the people who loved me too much?
I tried to go to sleep without expressing any emotion about it because it seemed to me that it was giving too much importance to someone who doesn't deserve it, and I couldn't, I started crying. Luckily I was with my best friend, who sat up scared (we were already going to sleep), so I had to tell him what was going through my head at that moment. My friend comforted me and told me that this time it was better to take the sleeping pill.
The next day I thought I was going to be better but no, I started crying because the same questions kept coming back to my head, all at the same time and I couldn't find answers, I couldn't stop crying, even when I had to be focused doing important things. Although I cried, my regret was not because he was with someone else, I really don't care, I don't care who she is or what she does, if she is more or less pretty than me or how they met. What bothered me was that he wasn't as broken as I was, he wasn't bad for the damage he did to me and then my best friend intervened, he told me that people like him don't feel pain because they were the ones who caused it, and that People like them don't change, my friend considered that he had not healed or learned anything from the relationship because he is not capable of being alone. That in this whole situation the person I shouldn't think about was him.
Another thing that I questioned the most was why I was not able to be with someone else, because before I had the ability to be with someone else after ending a relationship, sometimes after a few months or sometimes after very little time (so I wouldn't feel anything for that person, something I'm not proud of at all), and my best friend tells me: why are you comparing apples with oranges? How do you compare yourself to him? You are in a completely different process, you are no longer the same person as a few years ago, you have grown and matured so much that it makes no sense to compare yourself with a person who does not know what he wants. You no longer move in that world, now you are a person who wants big things and who works all the time to be better than before.
And little by little I began to come to my senses about all the things that my best friend was resonating in my head and in my heart, he was also talking to me at the same time, because if I'm very honest with you, in that relationship there were many things that didn't work that I ignored because I wanted to make things last but the truth is that there were many things that did not make me happy. I also began to think that this was an opportunity that life was giving me to close a cycle in the right way, without emotionally doping myself, facing my feelings and accepting that in life sometimes things will not be the way you want no matter how hard you try (many times this happens because it really doesn't suit you in the long term), in life you also have to learn to lose.
Little by little I began to answer each of those questions, right now I don't see myself in a relationship, I don't see myself sharing my space and my life with someone because I'm working so hard on myself and the things I want, that I know I couldn't give him the time that another human being deserves in a relationship, I still haven't completely healed, I still feel pain thinking that I allowed him to treat me bad and think that even if they did that, they knew I would still be there. Now the only person that matters in this whole process is me, growing up, becoming the woman I always wanted, being able to be, being able to express myself in the ways that make me happy, I want to read, dance, write, save money, have fun, I want to be happy with my company.
I want to make it clear that I don't wish my ex harm, even though he was so bad to me at the end of the relationship, the truth is that at this point in my life I am so indifferent to him, I am a fervent believer that: it isn't necessary to hurt the person who was with you. I simply do not want to know anything about him, I want to keep my distance, he is a person who does not generate good things for me or contribute to my situation or my process, for this reason I blocked him, during these almost two years, I have acquired knowledge about how get away from what hurts me, I know what it means to have will and discipline. And if you ask my most fragile and honest side, the truth is that I thank life for having put Volde in my path, because thanks to what we had I can say that I am a stronger person, I am facing each one of my fears and I'm my priority, I am changing myself.
The only thing I have left to tell you, especially to those who until now are starting a separation process, is that YES YOU CAN, it will hurt, there will be shit days, in fact you will have very good months and out of nowhere you can feel a setback like day one, but you CAN get out of it, the remedy consists of time and self-love. And each day that passes that you remain firm in the decision to do something that protects you and that puts you first, allows you to learn more about yourself and makes you feel better, makes you feel safe and empowers you to continue with the same determination.
There is a video of a song that reminds me a little of what my relationship with Volde was like when we broke up and I really realized that we were no longer going to be together, it's called Vuelve of Elsa y el Mar, there is a scene in which they are fighting, He is treating her badly, he is yelling at her and telling her that he swore that if she left, that shit would be over (that scene can summarize many moments of tension/psychological violence in that relationship) and she still sees that the time was not better (it was raining too much), she leaves the house she shared with him, and begins to smile while she is getting wet, she finally feels liberated, she only hears the sound of the rain that ends up calming her, she feels the water running through her entire body , and even when everything around her is falling apart, she feels calm and relief again.
Comentarios
Publicar un comentario