Always

I started writing this entry on November 25, 2023 and I made some modifications to it today on January 10, 2024, it is an outline:

There are many sensations that I have only been able to discover through art, music, drugs and colors, because in tangible reality there are no words that can contain what I feel or what I experience, it seems that my understanding of the world is a mix of many sensations. In such an apparently linear world, it's somewhat implausible to believe that a feeling can last more than a few years, when you talk about people who can't or haven't shared so much space-time together, but in this world in which only I understand and habit, I can say that wanting and loving can materialize in moments, calls and a few minutes.

I know, I know, you've told me so many times, that you have no feelings and that you don't want to, and I've answered you so many times, that I'm never wrong, never. And so we go through the days, through the months and through the years, walking and getting to know each other among stories, dreams and sadness. You remind me so much of when I was lost, I didn't feel either, I was an empty shell, I was in the labyrinth of days, doing what I had to do but without getting anywhere. That's why I don't let you go, I don't want you to not find the way out. I'm always there, letting you walk and waiting for you to find your destiny alone. The truth is that you hurt me, because I see myself in you, but I've given you the map so many times so that you don't travel down that tortuous path, and yet you take it, look at it and leave it aside. I finally understood that you want to go through each step yourself.

A few days ago you gave me bad news and I'm writing this, thinking that things could take a turn, in which we could look back and only remember the scare we got, and that everything is fine now. I feel like writing to you, as you already know, there are many things that I prefer to keep to myself because I don't want to collide with your walls, I've lived in them and I know what they are like and how many there are, and although with you I've gone through them when we speak, I know that in these months they've become denser with pain, a pain that you've tried to disguise with flowers that now grow from the walls, and that try to distract us from the path we began to follow. I don't want to go to your walls right now, because running through them with my hands for so many years, I've found the cracks that your flowers have tried to hide, and I know that both your flowers and your cracks fall and break easily and at this moment , you need STRENGTH.

So here I am, here I've been and here I'll be. In the good, in the bad and in the monotonous. Life is shit, it always puts new obstacles, new obstacles, new fears, new sadness, but in the midst of so much, there are moments like lifesavers, remember them, give some joy to your heart, you deserve it and it will make you stronger.

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