Hello,
This is an unexpected entry but I think it's important to talk a little about how you plan things and how they eventually develop. One of my dreams has always been to have a partner, a dog and many bushes in the coziest apartment I can imagine in my mind, well... that's where you see that seemingly "simple" dream and the fear of not wanting to be there alone, it's made me make terrible decisions regarding love. Because in the childhood that I remember, my family was not functional at all, so I've always loved and envied those families in which you see that there is a lot of communication and there are very clear demonstrations of love (let's say that the vision that I have of romantic love was made largely by the novels and cartoons I saw as a child).
Well, as I've told you in this time of the blog, my idea of love as a couple has changed considerably and in fact I'm going through an emotional block that has been going on for more than a year. So let's say that for now the idea of finding a partner is more than ruled out.
As for having many plants, when I lived with my ex I managed to have 14 cacti and I was planting cilantro (I also have the dream of planting many plants, picking their fruits and preparing my food), but with the issue of moving to another city, I had to leave some to him and take the rest to my hometown. You've seen the Natalie Portman movie, the perfect killer, when Matilda (I think that's her name, in "Leon") goes with her clothes and her plant in one hand, that was me but with a box full of cacti.
So when I moved to Gotham, I started having my own plants again, I already have two, I'm going little by little because I was left with the disappointment of having wanted to start my garden and not being able to finish it.
This is how things were going, these days I had told my cousin (we talked again, I'll tell you that story later) that I wanted a pet but being very honest with myself, I knew that it was a lifelong commitment in addition to the investment of monthly money. So as soon as the idea came I gave up on it too.
For a few weeks now I had been struggling heavily with my depression. It's complicated to explain, but depression is like a force (in my case) that pressures you all the time, there are days when you don't want to get out of bed, really the only thing you can do is be there... trying to convince yourself that you must do more things for your own good, but that weight is often stronger than you. Honestly I was only stopping to work, eat and go to the bathroom, I was already in that state where the house was a disaster and I wasn't even taking a shower. And I was in that very strong battle against my thoughts, I forced myself to eat and I was pushing myself to exercise because I am very aware that if I get too careless, I can enter an abyss.
Well, I was in that... I was even sleeping very badly and having quite strong nightmares about ideas that sometimes go through my head. I remember that there was one night in particular when I heard a meow coming from the terrace, but it didn't bother me, I heard it in my dreams, I even thought I had dreamed it.
That same day in the afternoon, in my 500th attempt to tidy up the house a little so as not to feel so bad, my cousin knocked on my door to tell me that there was a homeless kitten and that if I wanted to see it, it was very calm, that It had been missing for several days and no one had claimed it. Well, something told me to go look at him and I saw him and it gave me a lot of peace, he was/is terribly dirty, but she approached me and started asking me to consent to him. So I told my cousin, let me see how he behaves at my house. He entered the house, walked everywhere, half exploring, and then lay down on my bed... And there he stayed calm, I told my cousin that I had to see how we were doing at night (because I'm too sleepy light and one of the things that I must take care of in my anti-depression routines) because if he didn't let me sleep he couldn't stay in the house.
I thought he was going to get hyperactive at night (because cats are active at night), because to my surprise he slept all night, in fact he went to the bathroom and continued sleeping. I couldn't believe it, although I also came to the conclusion that it could be because he was getting tired from walking lost in the street so much. At that point, I had already given him a name (I named him after the dog I loved with my life when I lived in my old city, Hera), I had already gotten to him about the improvised food, water and bed. That same day, he motivated me to take a bath and we went to the veterinarian.
They dewormed him, they vaccinated him and I say HIM because it turns out that he's a male, so there was a change of plans, now his name is Kobo (after my fav German DJ, Kobosil), the doctor said he was in good condition and we'll have a checkup in a month to monitor gum inflammation. The doctor confirmed to us that the kitten came from a home because he was neutered. That day I bought him food, the shovel to collect used sand, a bib and a kilo of food. Kobo is very curious, because he is very calm, he spends his time sleeping day and night (I still think he is recovering from his journey through Gotham), he loves to be pampered, he looks like a little motor with his purring, he talks to me when he just wakes up wake up or when I go to the kitchen. He wakes up once in the night, rolls over and comes back. He doesn't like his makeshift bed and he spends his time sleeping in my bed.
If I've learned anything this year and counting, it is that many times things don't turn out as you plan, AND THAT IS TOTALLY OKAY. I feel that at this point in life, one must be clear about certain things that one wants, however one must also learn to be practical and have plasticity in one's dreams, because life can be very unpredictable and change too quickly.
For now with Kobo, we've already had our first difficult night, as you well know I am a very light sleeper, any noise wakes me up. Kobo woke up at 4AM to meow and walk around the room and the kitchen (I still haven't been able to buy him toys or things to distract him at night/early morning). So I couldn't sleep very well since that time, however, I'm trying to see it in the best way, although I didn't sleep very well I woke up well because he is now my company and we have to get used to each other.
Regarding my depression, which was something I mentioned earlier, I can only tell you that it's something that I have struggled with for a large part of my life. Before, I didn't know what was happening to me and I treated that feeling in a very intuitive way, already knowing what was happening to me. It happens because I do it through the things I've learned in therapy. IT'S NOT EASY, not at all... and it's hard to explain because you know it's always there. Kobo has been a huge distraction from that feeling and has made me move more because now there is a living being that depends on me and I assumed such responsibility, but I'm also not going to romanticize the idea of: having a pet or children took away my depression; because it doesn't work that way either. You have to work every day, continue in therapy, avoiding things that make you sick and taking medications (if you have them prescribed).
I never thought that at my age, life at this time would lead me to have two little plants and a blonde kitten, but I feel very happy with the way things are going.
Our IG: @pedacitosdeme
I have created my PayPal account in case you want to support my dreams in any way: cavc0424@gmail.com
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I finished reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson. (I'm thinking of talking a little about it)
I think that this year we have to continue working harder and harder because I no longer have medications, I have to manage everything I feel autonomously and trusting in the decisions I make. So this year I decided to continue exercising, give up alcohol again, read, and focus on my intellectual development. So I want to give the blog a twist and focus it more on personal growth and mental health. Send me all your good energy!
Not being more for this entry, I send you a big hug from this tropical paradise called Colombia. Remember that you can do everything!
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