The Past and Two Divorces

Hello,

When you're over 30, many of your friends' problems span a wide range of adult and not-so-adult situations. Topics might vary from buying a house, continuing to party, traveling, divorce, to choosing a school for your baby.

While staying at my parents' house, two people from my past came back into my life—each with a different context but with something in common: they are going through a divorce. What caught my attention was seeing that they also shared certain behaviors, even though their relationships had developed differently. My perception of their relationships was shaped by what I saw on social media—a perfect life filled with deep love, many happy photos, trips, and food.

The first friend to reach out was an old university classmate, let's call him Roberto. I was at home working and trying to endure the heat when I started receiving messages on Instagram, followed by a friend request. It turns out that at some point in our friendship, I was removed and hadn’t noticed until then. My friend reappeared and started talking to me as if we had just said goodbye yesterday. On that first day, he didn’t mention his divorce at all, spending the time reminiscing about our university days and a special word that only the two of us used (which I didn’t remember immediately but pretended to in order not to hurt his feelings, as it seemed like an important memory for him).

The next day, he mentioned that he was going through a sad time and would like to see me. I had to explain that I no longer lived in that city but that we could talk about what was happening to him; I was there to listen and help however I could. Here’s the story:

My friend has a deep religious belief, but he isn’t tied to a specific religion. When we were students, he experienced an existential void, believing that we couldn’t exist just for the sake of existing. So he began searching through all religions for a possible explanation of his existence and found guidelines that made sense to him; he developed certain beliefs that were not popular among people our age, such as abstaining from sex, not drinking, and going to bed early, among others.

We were studying together, but as he questioned his existence, he realized that his career was unfulfilling and not for him. So he left and, in search of his passion and direction, went abroad to pursue another career. However, being away from home was tough, and he also faced severe financial difficulties. He ended up returning and went to study in a small town where he finally found the profession he was passionate about. There, he met his ex-wife, a very beautiful woman, I must say. I remember she had a business, and I once asked her about the products she sold. I had her on social media, and everything seemed normal. I saw Roberto posting pictures with her, and they looked very happy.

After that, I didn’t hear from him. Life absorbed us, and you don’t keep track of how people you once shared so much with are doing. According to my friend, they lived together for 8 years. At first, she was very interested in his ideas about spirituality and God (it’s important to mention that they started their relationship very young; she was 19 and he was 20), even though she had a series of questionable behaviors that didn’t align with his thinking. For example, she would argue with him and then go out partying all weekend, only to show up the next week as if nothing had happened. The same happened during the end of the year when they had strong arguments during holidays, and she would return, apologetic. It’s worth mentioning that she didn’t share his spiritual commitment.

They struggled a lot to be together and to have the life they dreamed of. She had her business, and he was making his way with his profession. But problems started to appear about two years into the relationship (it should be noted that I only know my friend’s version of the events). She graduated but couldn’t find a job in her field. Her business was on hold because it depended on others to function, and she wasn’t willing to rely on others to continue working on it. Roberto deeply loved/loves this woman, so he supported her every step of the way, even though neither of them knew where they were heading.

At some point, they moved in together, and things didn’t get better. She became possessive, jealous, and controlling, to the point of making scenes of jealousy with people they interacted with only once. Probably her economic and professional situation made her feel insecure, clinging to and wanting to control the only thing she felt was solid in her life.

Psychological abuse began, with her telling him that a man like him was incredibly lucky because a woman like her would never be interested in someone like him, and that he should be grateful because she had noticed him. Over time, she fell into a sort of depression, stopped looking for work, gained weight, and became more aggressive. Things escalated from verbal to physical violence (all coming from her because she knew he was incapable of retaliating). She made scenes of jealousy with her family, particularly her mother (they say narcissists always want to separate you from your support network). Since she couldn’t find a job, he decided to support her financially so she wouldn’t feel economically constrained, but that wasn’t enough. She began pressuring him to move out of the country because she had always dreamed of that.

They moved to Europe and stayed there for a year, but that didn’t bring her peace either (I remembered what my psychologist once told me: if you don’t resolve your problems, they’ll follow you wherever you go). She started saying she needed to see her family in the U.S. because she couldn’t stand the country anymore and felt lonely and sad. Once again, my friend moved heaven and earth to go with her to the U.S. for a vacation, hoping that this new land would bring peace and happiness.

Unfortunately, just 5 hours later (the distance between countries), problems resurfaced. While there, a new element appeared: she started feeling attracted to a younger cousin, 9 years her junior, who spent his time drinking and partying—behavior completely opposite to what Roberto embodied. In the blink of an eye, she told him she no longer wanted to be married to him and that he should leave her aunt’s house, saying she didn’t want to have anything more to do with him. She planned to stay in the U.S. and rebuild her life because she felt she had lost her youth with him. Roberto was left adrift in another country with no money, having already spent what he had fulfilling his “love of his life’s” new whim.

Thus, my friend had to find somewhere to stay. Fortunately, HIS BOSSES live in the U.S. and gave him shelter (he had to tell them the whole situation, which was quite unprofessional but he had no other options as he didn’t have money for tickets). My friend returned to Europe and had to manage their house, debts, and everything else. However, he began to feel the weight of loneliness and, even more cruelly, the weight of reality. He started to fall into depression and felt empty again, deciding to return to Colombia. While all this was happening, she kept sending him messages and calling to threaten him with taking his savings, claiming that because of him, she had lost her youth—as if time had stopped for Roberto and only ran for her.

At this point, I think we can all agree on how cruel that woman was and that she wasn’t good for Roberto. The best thing that could have happened, even if late, was for him to distance himself from her. But to my surprise and probably yours as well, Roberto still held on to the hope that she would change her mind and reach out to get back together. BEING TOGETHER AGAIN, BECAUSE LOVE CAN CONQUER ALL, ENDURE ALL. And according to him, what he experienced was love. And this is where my questioning about religious beliefs and our concept of love begins. Considering my friend’s beliefs, there is only one true love in life, and for that person, you must fight even if the path is turbulent and complicated. In other words, your partner can be a pillow with which you rest and dream or a shackle that impedes your life and freedom.

I always admired my friend for his strong religious conviction, but for the first time, I found an inconsistency in how he conceives God. According to him, we should have healthy behaviors to preserve a pure energy that brings us closer to God, that in life we must learn from pain to transform ourselves and move more fluidly toward the magnificent essence of God. And all that sounds very transcendental and meaningful, BUT at what point do you, as an individual, see yourself as part of God (it should be clarified that the discussion here isn’t whether God exists or not, I just want to understand the logic my friend has applied to his life) and give yourself importance and seek the best for yourself? It doesn’t make much sense to live under a set of rules and "prohibitions" that don’t allow you to develop self-love and protect yourself from those who intentionally hurt you.

The other day, I came to a conclusion about some people who dedicate their lives to God. Feeling filled with God’s presence, finding a partner becomes secondary. I feel that my friend has focused on adhering to rules and rituals but hasn’t worked on himself as a complete spiritual being. He seems to have a mix of toxic romantic love with the institution of family from Judeo-Christian religion, resulting in a dangerous cocktail where you don’t set boundaries or protect yourself, where no matter the sacrifice you make for a dysfunctional relationship, you end up blurring what a healthy relationship is and losing the balance between what you give and receive.

Roberto constantly tells me that he feels miserable, that his life has no meaning, and that he can’t go on without her. He doesn’t understand how things got to this point but misses her and thinks about her all the time. I find myself in disbelief whenever he says something like this, not because I expect him to speak poorly of her, but because I wish he would value himself and recognize that what he had couldn’t be considered love. Every day, he sends me songs, memes, or reels about losing true love or how hard it is to let go of a loved one, and when he does, it feels like I’m in a parallel reality or not understanding the movie I’m watching.

I’ve tried to understand why Roberto clings to a relationship that caused him more stress than well-being. I remember when we were studying together, he was always looking for someone to conquer, constantly asking if he looked good or if he was handsome, or thinking about having a girlfriend. It was as if he needed female validation to feel complete, as if he always needed to orbit around a woman. At that time, he lived with his mother, and their relationship wasn’t very good—she was quite serious and demanding. He never spoke about his father, and I never asked out of respect for his privacy, but his parents were separated, and there was a certain hostility from his mother. Perhaps he was seeking in a girlfriend the sweet love he didn’t receive at home.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I wouldn’t hesitate to leave a relationship at the first sign of disrespect, and I still don’t understand why Roberto can’t see it as clearly. I feel that in our need not to be alone, we accept anyone who talks to us about love, even when their actions show the opposite. And I can’t help but question: why is it so hard for us to be alone? Why do we prefer to be in a destructive relationship rather than face our own emptiness and thoughts? Why do we cling to the idea of a Hollywood-style romantic love that is very impractical in the monotony of life?

To be continued...

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