How hard it's been for me to find inspiration to write... These past few weeks have actually been very tough because work has been more pressure-filled than ever, and as you know, I experience the world with greater intensity. Yesterday, one of my best friends came over; we’ve known each other for 16 years. He’s been there for many moments in my life, good and bad. When we were 20, we always dreamed of living in Gotham City and having Sex and the City kind of moments. Life eventually brought us back to live in the same city again, not with that glamorous lifestyle, but with the same familiarity and trust that comes from navigating life together for so long.
Yesterday, he stayed with me. We talked until very late, and luckily I had today off, so we woke up late, listened to music, made lunch, watched Wicked, and went out for coffee. Life feels so good when you spend time with people you love and who love you back.
On the other hand, I’m going through a work crisis that I can’t handle, it’s distressing me. A lot is happening at work, and sometimes I feel very alone. They keep demanding more and more from me, and I don’t even have proper software for data analysis. No one has ever helped me train to understand what they want or how to do it efficiently. According to my boss, I’m supposed to figure it out... which to me translates to: "Create a CRM to analyze the volume of data we have"... and well, guess what? I know nothing about programming. My role is supposed to be administrative. I’ve been feeling extremely stressed because I feel like I’m not good enough for this... and if I leave this job, I don’t know what will happen to my life. I feel like I’d be in a place of great financial vulnerability.
I’ve always felt lost, ever since I was very young. I never understood how people managed to fit in, to know what their place in the world was... to belong. And after what happened to me in university, I realized that life isn’t like in the movies. I’m afraid of feeling that way again, it’s a horrible feeling, as if I’m losing the little usefulness I’ve gained over the years. It’s that feeling where you believe you are your job (it’s complicated to explain because it sounds like something you can change with positive thinking, but in reality, when you haven’t been able to practice your chosen career and have to do something else, you feel like if you’re not good at this second thing, it’s as if you cease to exist).
So I’m filled with stress because if I lose this job, it feels like the little security I have in life would vanish. And at that point, I realize how fleeting that feeling of "for the first time, everything is okay" is, and the recurring thoughts start again: Who am I? What am I? What is my purpose in life? Why couldn’t I pursue what I loved? Why don’t I love what I studied anymore? Why can’t I live a calmer life? Why can’t I fit in? Why is it harder for me than for others?
Today, particularly when my friend was about to leave, I started getting a headache because I immediately began thinking about work and everything it triggers in me...
Without further ado, I’m going to sleep. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss from here :s
Do you think it’s a good idea to ask an AI to make a plan to change my life and carry it out, and then keep you updated on the progress or how things are going?
If you’d like to support me in some way, this is my new PayPal: cavc0424@gmail.com
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